


Idiots

by melianthegreat



Series: Evil Genius James May [6]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Evil Genius James May, Evil Plans, World Domination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 13:39:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: Another bit of silliness in the Evil Genius James May category.





	Idiots

**Author's Note:**

> After writing a story like Implode, I felt it was time to let the silly flag fly again. Enjoy.

Idiots. Pillocks, both of them.

James was biding his time, an in-between moment from one lair to another. The arctic lair that followed the hollowed out volcano that went Krakatoa on them really didn't work out. Partially due to a psycho fat man in a sleigh who let his reindeer drop their load wherever they wanted, partially because his two partners blew up the lair with a rocket launcher. Pillocks.

Seriously, Jeremy and Richard were his mates, had been a good part of his life, but neither could truly see the extent of his genius. And James was really a genius. He knew it. They did, too, but sometimes they just had a habit of going all Thunderbirds on him. Then they would show flashes of their own brilliance. But mostly they'd just demonstrate their own incompetence. They really were idiots. Utterly ridiculous, useless, and stupid.

Because of this, James was currently back home, having rebuilt his Evil Genius shed in his back garden. And mainly due to the lack of space, not to mention the constant deliveries from Amazon would prompt too many questions, James was back to relying on lawn mower and washing machine parts for his inventions. At least the political climate in the UK was more accomodating to his Evil Genius plans: Brexit. It was a complete mess, a shambles, and completely easy to hide in plain sight amid the chaos. The current government might be even bigger pillocks than Hammond and Clarkson combined. That was saying a lot.

He was going to rectify all of this, oh yes he was. He'd take over and then there would be no more Brexit. In fact, the entire European Union might just have to bend over and lick his own arse, instead of the EU demanding the PM lick theirs. The death ray he was building could take out Paris as easily as London. Maybe he should fire the opening shot at the headquarters of Peugeot to prove he was serious. The French might just give him a medal for that. Intelligent English petrolheads might even put him up for the Nobel Peace Prize for helping to rid the world of such shit cars. Bloody hell, he probably wouldn't have to make a threat of any kind if he did that, they'd simply give him power by acclamation.

But back to those two pillocks...

There was that voice in his head saying to just kill them. Maybe he hadn't learned enough lessons from the James Bond films. When they've asked he has revealed plans, telling them exactly how he was going to do things. In the Evil Genius community this was known as "monologuing", and Evil Geniuses couldn't help but do it. The real secret was giving a monologue without revealing plans or going on so long it gives one of the pillocks time to escape. He needed to learn how to stop giving monologues altogether and just a) dispense with said plan, b) kill the pillocks, or c) both a) and b).

Killing them, however, wasn't so easy. These two idiots were, in fact, his best mates. All three had been through a lot together, long before James discovered he had the makings of a proper Evil Genius. And they were his equal partners in his recent endeavors. There was a forest of Sequoyas-worth of paperwork he'd have to go through in order to officially dissolve a partnership, and Clarkson had placed a convoluted procedure into the Policies and Procedures manual to prevent James from simply assassinating his partners, something about the heirs of dead partners getting the profits and becoming equal silent partners themselves, with full voting rights to remove James from the board, thus assassinating him. And, dammit, both of them had heirs. Mindy Hammond wouldn't waste any time convincing her daughters to exact revenge, an English version of Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes on _Game of Thrones_ , and Emily Clarkson had the makings of an Evil Genius herself. Who's to say she doesn't possess a fraction of her father's delusions of grandeur?

James wrote a mental note to himself: consult with the Evil Genius lawyers on how to render the Policies and Procedures null and void without resorting to murder.

In the meantime, while James might be squeamish about dispatching the Delusional Thunderbirds, that didn't mean he simply had to roll over and let them destroy his hard work anymore, at least not without a bit of pain involved. He was currently working on a special feature to his death ray, a booby trap. Clarkson was going to see the death ray and immediately want to bash it with a hammer, that was what he always did. Instead the orangutan was going to hit it and find out it was electrified. Not enough current to kill him, but maybe just enough to straighten out the curls in his hair. The puzzle was going to be Hammond--the short arse liked to carry a gun in these situations. Hard to booby trap a gun.

He heard a familiar vehicle sound. Sounded to James like the Delusional Thunderbirds were trying to sneak up on him. Of course that was going to be hard to do considering he was the one who made sure they knew he was building the damned thing. Plus, they were trying to sneak up on him with an AMG Mercedes, which sounded as distinctive as it looked with those odious gull-wing doors open. Any moment now they'd come bursting through the door of his Evil Genius shed like Batman and Robin, giving him the Superhero Monologue that went along the lines of, "Stop! Your evil plans will not work this time!"

Will these two idiots forget he had a spraycan of knockout gas? James' money was on yes.

Behind him, the doors burst open, and Thunderbird Fat and Thunderbird Short came in, traditionally accessorised with sledgehammer and Glock, respectively. James quickly turned back to the table.

"All right, Slow!" Jeremy growled behind him. "We've caught you, Sunshine."

"Hands off the Death Ray," Richard commanded. "Once again you've been caught before you could enact your evil plans!"

Superhero Monologue.

"What do you have to say for yourself this time, May?" Jeremy demanded in his most heroic manner.

They couldn't see James roll his eyes. "Oh, Cock, you caught me," he replied, his voice a monotone, as if this scenario had been repeated over and over again (because it had indeed been repeated over and over again). He turned to face them, holding up an aerosol can. He pressed the button.

Yep. Forgot about the knockout gas. 

Pillocks.

***

Sometime later, James heard the collective groan of the two idiots as they regained consciousness. "The arse sprayed us--again!!" Richard exclaimed, quite irritated.

"Your own fault if you fail to learn from history, Hammond, " James replied, turning to face them. While they were out, James had once again tied up both Richard and Jeremy, yet another thing proving the pillocks never learned. "Seriously, how many times have I sprayed you and Jezza now? Three? Four? Ten? I've lost count."

Of course it took Jeremy about 30 seconds to untie himself, not even enough time for James to come up with an Evil Genius Monologue like he usually did. But that wasn't really what James wanted here; sure, he could have come up with a pretty good one on the fly, offering to share more, at least until he figured out an endrun around the Policies and Procedures manual, maybe offer Hammond Wales again. But his goal began with Jeremy getting untied. And he had.

But would he be clueless enough to not ask himself why he'd loosened the ropes so easily?

James' answer came immediately. Both Clarkson and Hammond jumped up, and Jeremy grabbed his hammer, running over to the machine and giving a swing. 

CLANG!! _Bzzzzzzzz!!_ "OW, DAMMIT!! "

It was all James could do to not collapse to the floor in laughter. Richard, however, wasn't so capable. He fell down laughing, so hard in fact James wondered if he wouldn't actually kill him this way. He was so focused on Richard he only heard what happened next.

CLANG!! _Bzzzzzzzz!!_ "OW, SHIT!! MAY, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THIS THING?"

Richard lost it completely, curling into a fetal position as he continued to laugh hysterically. James wondered if Jeremy was stupid enough to try hitting it a third time. And James realized he was as he saw the hammer in the air.

CLANG!! _Bzzzzzzzz!! Bzzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzz, Bzzzzzzzz!!_ This time Clarkson hit it and electrical current shot out of it, arcing everywhere. All three stared wide-eyed with amazement at the scene.

"WHOA!! JEZZA!! You got that one good!!" Richard nearly squeaked.

"What have you done?!" James shouted as arcs of electricity continued to shoot out of the now-destroyed machine. "Do you know how many things in here that can blow up if hit by electricity?!"

"I'm guessing many, many things," Jeremy answered.

"But it's a garden shed," Richard replied.

"You blithering idiot, it's an Evil Genius shed!" Jeremy argued. "Do you not remember the last Evil Genius shed we blew up?" Jeremy looked around. "We've got to get out of here. James--" James was nowhere to be found. "Where'd he go?"

""He's escaped," Richard announced. There was a roar as a fire started.

"Hammond! You were supposed to keep him in here!"

"I followed instructions, that's why I locked the door behind us when we came in," Richard offered.

"So where is he, then?"

"Well, how the arseing hell should I know?" There were several small explosions. "Let's argue about this outside."

"Good idea." Richard followed Jeremy to the door. Hammond pulled out the Glock and shot at the lock. This time, though, the shot simply destroyed the lock. And kept them inside. 

"That was supposed to work," Richard complained. "It worked the last time."

"Allow me," Jeremy replied, feeling for his hammer. "Wait, where's my hammer?"

"You dropped it," Richard answered casually.

"Where?"

"Back where the fire is."

"So how are we supposed to get out of here, you idiot?" Jeremy demanded.

"That's one of the reasons I had the gun!" Richard shouted at him. "I shoot locks to let us escape, that's what I do! I shoot locks and defuse bombs, you bash death rays!"

"I bashed that one, look where it got us!" Small objects started flying with each small explosion and the shed filled with smoke. "Look around for something I can bash the door open with."

Quickly Richard found a toolbox and opened it. He handed each one over to Jeremy, who tried to hit the lock and/or the door. "Try this one," he said as he handed each one. "This one...this one....this one..."

"Hammond, you spanner! It's a spanner!"

"Well, we're not exactly spoiled for choice here!" Richard shouted. "Wait, here's a drawer marked JEREMY'S TOOLS." Opening the drawer, Richard had found James had carefully arranged a set of hammers according to size. "Try this!"

"Yes!" Jeremy crowed. "Finally, a tool I can understand!" He took a swing at the door and it burst open, allowing Jeremy and Richard to escape just in time from being disintegrated when the shed blew up.

It took a couple of hours to put out the fire. Both Clarkson and Hammond stood a safe distance away until the fire department left the scene. Then they sifted through the wreckage. They knew James had escaped, but now they wanted to figure out how.

From an even safer distance away, James watched, shaking his head. Had the pillocks forgotten he had a trap door in his Evil Genius shed?

Jeremy and Richard searched until the sun started to set. Then Richard found what they were looking for. It was in the same spot James had been standing when he'd disappeared. It was a trap door, and they could have easily used it themselves instead of bashing a door open with a hammer.

"We really are pillocks," Richard said to Jeremy, arching an eyebrow, "both of us."

James smiled. They really were idiots. But they were his idiots. And he'd rather have them burn down an Evil Genius shed or live with him in a hollowed out volcano than anyone else.


End file.
